Dr Molly Black

A lot of pain, especially today. With Shawn's agreement I've re-upped the Cortef in hope that will fix at least some of this agony.

Also, anybody having at least a partially vegetarian dinner to "celebrate" Thanksgiving? Shawn and I would enjoy bringing some food and hanging out. I'm not adverse to having guests here for a fully vegetarian supper.

Since I've become so ill guests visiting at other times seems like a dream come true. Keep me in mind.

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A quote: "My growing irrelevance, this void I felt within me, made me resent my husband's peace and happiness, his apparent disregard for what I, as a woman...was going through." From "Reading Lolita in Tehran" by Azar Nafisi - I feel this; I feel as if I lost all concept of health, home, and security.

• 08:07 Insomnia plagues me again. Our Wii finally arrived yesterday & I set it up with a little help from Shawn & then got to watch him play. Yay! #
• 08:09 If you know me in reality join me on Swaptree.com and swap with me. I'm having such fun trading books and games and music I no longer want. #

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Before LJ goes down for the server transfer I thought I would pass this gem along. Especially since it describes my relationship with Lolita, Princess of Goth so freaking perfectly. She may fool everybody else but when I get woken up by a cat sticking her nose in my mouth while I'm sleeping? UGH - even if I didn't have allergies.

• 21:32 Sick and in pain. Partly due to flu and partly due to FMS and other assorted fun things (like a messed up adrenal gland). Swaptree with me! #
• 02:19 I slept all day due to the flu/pain and now I'm having problems falling asleep. I feel nauseous which makes it a little worse. Visitors? :-) #
• 08:07 Woke up with a cat's nose in my mouth. Allergies will possibly get me badly. Then Shawn's alarm woke me (he has a 6:30 a.m. meeting!). Help? #

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• 23:59 Wii on the way! A special present for Shawn for being here when I need him & for both of us to remember to relax and play together. In love. #

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• 15:51 Doctor appointment over - headed back over the bridge to home after Pain specialist monthly hello. Listening to the NBK soundtrack. Woot! #

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• 07:19 Selling my extra Smashbox makeup. It arrived all dented in the original boxes. The packages & makeup look right, but possible I got faux? #
• 07:20 Also I can't sleep. I did more today than normal, but sleep is not coming and I have such bad insomnia that I feel mentally wiped. Ow? Yes. #

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• 16:34 Still having pain that is keeping me bed-bound. Trying to get myself sorted to set up my new multi-seamless that Shawn bought me. Studio! #
• 01:28 Wondering if the DHEA I tried on the advice of my Endocrinologist actually may be causing the panic attacks. According to label? Yes. UGH. #

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She Should Have Had the Abortion in 1969

We're thinking I might have an adverse reaction to the DHEA supplement. I hope so because something besides the insulin shock test is messing with my mind.

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• 03:00 Pain bad. Dealing not well at all with it. Trying to keep myself from losing hope but the pain coming back has depressed me. FMS sucks. #

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Pain is pretty overwhelming. I'm not sure how much more I can take. Went through hell with the insulin shock. If I can't eat now, Shawn can feed me tomorrow.

• 23:26 So sad and depressed. Crying. Don't want to talk about anything with anybody except to say that I feel this way. It hurts too much. #

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Ambrosia: Shoot 1: Skirt Flirtaciosness First shoot with Ambrosia, of what I hope will turn into the first of many.	Ambrosia: Shoot 1: Standing I (so far) love working with Ambrosia. She stands like this too often, though. *Wink*
Ambrosia: Shoot 1: More Skirt Flirtaciosness We shall see how flirty I can keep Ambrosia during our next shoot.	Ambrosia: Shoot 1: Flamingo In Order to Prove Balance WORKS I love working with great seamless with great colors. Especially when the model has clothes that really counter-balance against said seamless beautifully. My shoes though. *Heh*

• 12:38 Starting to feel hungry. Body definitely unhappy in some ways. Watching Netflix documentaries in the background. Thoughts swirling. #
• 16:13 @bunneh Can you talk? I can put Skype on or call you since we have Vonage and that makes Canada free. I want to be here, if I can, for you. #
• 02:28 I forgot how great "Natural Born Killers" is. I'm such a tech geek. Erica & I have been discussing philosophical movies & sociological too. #
• 03:40 I'm officially in love with not only Oliver Stone, but the cinematographer from "Natural Born Killers" as well. Listen to the commentary. :) #

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So many things going on in my head. Watching the "UP" series online. Netflix sadly only starts at 21 but I'm loving it so far. Brilliant though sad at times.

• 21:45 Sitting in bed. Voted by mail yesterday. Feeling quite alone. #
• 21:51 Seriously looking for somebody to love me and take care of me. Platonic to start. Who knows what the future might bring. Right? #
• 21:53 Shawn loves me. He just takes me for granted at a time when I need compassion and extra comfort to support my failing ego. #
• 21:58 At least that's how it feels right now. Need support more than ever. I love him. I need him. But the pain is too much. Security lack in me. #
• 22:00 @weishaupt Watch it. You might end up with me living with you all the way out there. Trapped! #
• 23:29 Watching "Spaced" with Erica and Shawn. Still feeling sad. #
• 23:30 @weishaupt You think I'm kidding. Not kidding. :) #
• 23:57 I think tonight means I don't get sleep. Love never makes sense, does it? #
• 23:59 @bunneh Don't write because you force into time slots. Write what makes you happy. #
• 01:36 I love the show. "Spaced" rocks for a multitude of reasons. Not least because it is apparently written and starring by those like us. Nice. #
• 01:39 Love. And I love staying up enjoying the things that make watching the show and their acceptance in the media world. #

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Purrbarella = CUTE Purrbarella makes sure that I have love around me whilst sleeping and recuperating.	Sleeping cats equal adorable When Erica's out her room gets lots of light which makes for happy cats.
Erica on the laptop... My photo geek aspect loves how great this phone camera takes photos. Even in low light. Erica looks so cute.	Family Out For a Walk Shawn has Zweite Ein and I have Femmepois as we walk out the dogs together before the winter rains fall.

• 20:16 Sitting in bed and alternating between reading, sleeping, and feeling sad. Visitors welcome. Invites to local gatherings also welcome. Sigh. #

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I'm still trying to figure out why my phone can't send photos to LJ even using their FAQ page regarding it while I'm sending.

It has turned very cold and rainy here in Oakland which means we're in the late fall period and the rains should settle in now for the rest of the fall and winter. What fun.

Supposed to go to Greens with Shawn tonight. We'll see how we feel in the next couple of hours. So far my head is in a terrible place and trying to drag it out via dressing up is NOT going to work since none of my clothes fit me and when I go live with Sam for however long I'm going to stay in Austin I have a feeling we'll be attaching things to gowns and corsets I have to make them capable of fitting me in my greatly expanded (15 pounds or so due to the medications) dressing up has the opposite effect it should have and instead makes me feel miserable that nothing I have owned for the past 15-20 years fits me any more.

Is it better to be too thin (110 pounds) or on the cusp of too fat (140+) when all I want to be is in the middle (125 pounds at 5'8" makes me fit everything I own)?

So much more in my head that will stay there. No phone calls. Physical visits, text messages, emails? All that = I can handle it. Phone calls I can't handle currently. My head and heart hurt far too much. All comments screened until responded too unless you ask me not to unscreen them specifically.

• 23:41 Resting and thinking about things. Gaining this much weight has made it so I have to buy new clothes. I've lost clothes I've had forever! :( #
• 01:08 Selling my 2 gig iPod with Speck protection case. Found a photo store that has an AMAZING selection. Found my next two colors for seamless! #
• 07:55 I've spilt water twice since getting into bed. The glass keeps spilling and I can't stop it. Like some bad dream over and over. Start over! #

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• 16:32 How did it get to be 2:30 PST? I'm so confused. My feet hurt even though I've been staying off them and resting. Still love my Sidekick. #

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• 22:18 Waiting like an ill older princess for a prince to rescue me from my past. The dreams fly away like smoke... #

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• 18:28 Pain is pretty constant again. I'm trying to stay in bed and rest but I'm finding it hard with the insomnia and the pain. Comfort welcome. #
• 18:57 @weishaupt: want to have an invalid to care for while you write? I could take photos to go along with the images in your head...Hugs to you. #

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